Welcome to My World of Quotes
These are some of my favorites. Some are serious and some are funny and yet oh so true. I hope you enjoy them.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the orchestra, some are on-stage singing, some are in the audience as critics, some are there to applaud. Know who and where you are.
If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
If you tell a lie, don't believe it deceives only the other
This day is not a rehearsal. It is real. What you choose to do with it will have lasting consequences for you and for those around you. It is an awesome responsibility and a tremendous opportunity. Give it the best you have.
You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead."
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you
wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other women replied,
"Yes I am. But I married the wrong man."
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next
day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You
can have mine."
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to
let her keep him.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still
Young son: Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa,
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness
was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
"Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence."
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word
you say, talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out
with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.
Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what?
First guy: "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to
the opposite sex.
I wish I'd Said That....
I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall." ~Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister ... and now wish to withdraw that statement. ~Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible. ~George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea ... visit people only once a year. ~Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. ~Mark Twain
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce. ~Mark Twain
My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects. ~Les Dawson
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. ~Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. ~Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. ~Jimmy Durante
I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. ~Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. ~Alex Levine
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. ~Mark Twain
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. ~Ed Furgol
Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. ~Spike Milligan
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. ~Henny Youngman
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. ~Mark Twain
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'. ~Joe Namath
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. ~Herbert Henry Asquith
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. ~Bob Hope
A woman drove me to drink .. and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her. ~W.C. Fields
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. ~W.C. Fields
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. ~George Burns
We could certainly slow aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. ~Unknown
Don't worry about avoiding temptation... As you grow older, it will avoid you. ~Unknown
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But ...everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. ~Unknown
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac. ~Unknown
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good .. spit it out. ~Unknown
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. ~Unknown
* * * * * * * *
A group of frogs were
traveling through the woods, and two of them fell into a deep pit. All
the other frogs gathered around the pit. When they saw how deep the pit
was, they told the unfortunate frogs they would never get out.
* Authors Unknown *
* * * * * *
PRESCRIPTION FOR HAPPINESS
Attributed to Robert Louis Stevenson
Make up your mind to be happy. Learn to find pleasure in simple things.
Make the best of your circumstances. No one has everything and everyone has something of sorrow intermingled with the gladness of life. The trick is to make the laughter outweigh the tears. Don't take yourself too seriously.
You can't please everybody; don't let criticism worry you.
Don't let your neighbor set your standards.
Do the things you enjoy doing, but stay out of debt.
Don't borrow trouble. Imaginary things are harder to bear than the actual ones.
Since hate poisons the soul, do not cherish enmities and grudges.
Don't hold post-mortems. Don't spend your life brooding over sorrows and mistakes. Don't be one who never gets over things.
Do what you can for those less fortunate than yourself.
Keep busy at something. A very busy person never has time to be unhappy.
* * * * * * * * *
Following are not quotes but I think they are
interesting and I hope you will like them too. A friend of mine sent
these to me in an e-mail so I don't know who they originated from (if
you know, please email me with the author's name):
When I have Time
When I have time, so many things I'll do
* * * * * * * * * * *
been said that our anxiety
A healthy attitude is contagious
Author Unknown ~
Age is a quality of mind;
If you have left your dreams behind,
If hope is cold,
If you no longer look ahead,
If your ambition's fires are dead,
Then you are old.
But, if from life you take the best,
And if in life you keep the zest,
If love you hold,
No matter how the years go by,
No matter how the birthdays fly,
You are not old.
Author Unknown ~
Never mind yesterday, lay it away!
Never mind anything over and done,
Here is a new moment, lit with new sun.
Author Unknown ~
All life is immortality; all work eternally significant. Every worthwhile man who ever has lived has made plans bigger than his own lifetime.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Cheerfulness means a contented spirit; a pure heart, a kind and loving disposition; it means humility and charity, a generous appreciation of others, and a modest opinion of self.
* * * * * * * * * * *
If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you." - Winnie the Pooh
"True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost." - Charles Caleb Colton
"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus.
"Strangers are just friends waiting to happen."
"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."
"If you should die before me, ask if you could bring a friend." -Stone Temple Pilots
"I'll lean on you and you lean on me and we'll be okay." -Dave Mathews Band
"If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them, I'd be at the bottom to catch them."
"Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what
you don't say."
"We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere." - Tim McGraw
Hold a true friend with both your hands." -Nigerian Proverb
"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."
Just for fun....BUMPER STICKERS:
Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
A PBS mind in an MTV world.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
Better living through denial.
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
Adults are just kids who owe money.
Is it time for your medication or mine?
I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
Earth is full. Go home.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is done.
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.
IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.
HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?
Did you know that the electric chair was invented by a dentist?
Did you know you share your birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world?
Nearly 300,000 trees are cut down yearly to produce the paper for all the IRS forms and instructions. (I wonder if Al Gore knows this.)
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
Never ask a 3-year old to hold a tomato.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic-tac.
Never hold a dust-buster and a cat at the same time.
School lunches stick to the wall.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
Happiness begins when we decide it should.
We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that, we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with.
We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete
when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, are
able to go on a nice vacation, when we retire.
One of my favorite quotes comes from Alfred D. Souza. He said, "For a
long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin-real life. But
there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through
first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, or a debt to be
paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles
were my life."
Judging others does not define that person. It defines YOU!
21 things to Remember:
are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;
by Mother Teresa
GOD, grant me the Serenity
to accept the things
I cannot change,
Courage to change the
things I can,
and the Wisdom
to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardship as the
pathway to peace.
Taking, as He did, this
sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it.
Trusting that He will make
all things right if I
surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy
in this life, and supremely
happy with Him forever in
Try reading this out loud without mistakes!
FOR YOUR INFORMATION
An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy. "It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil -- he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other is good -- he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith. This same fight is going on inside you -- and inside every other person, too."
Dust if you must but wouldn't it be better
otherwise noted, Copyrights (c) are retained by S & B Crafts on all
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This site originated on December 30, 1999
This site originated on December 30, 1999