Welcome to My World of Quotes

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the orchestra, some are on-stage singing, some are in the audience as critics, some are there to applaud. Know who and where you are.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

Living well really is the best revenge.

Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just proves that the other person was right about you.

Be really nice to your friends because you never know when you are going to need them to hold your hand.

Work is good but it's not important.

Never underestimate the kindness of your fellow man.

You are the only person who can truly make you happy.

Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect, it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.

If you tell a lie, don't believe it deceives only the other person.

The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right".

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

I've learned to pick my battles; I ask myself, Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?

This day is not a rehearsal. It is real. What you choose to do with it will have lasting consequences for you and for those around you. It is an awesome responsibility and a tremendous opportunity. Give it the best you have.

* * * * * * * *

Marriage....

You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead."

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you
wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other women replied,
"Yes I am. But I married the wrong man."

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next
day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You
can have mine."

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to
let her keep him.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in
Europe.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still
paying."

Young son: Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa,
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness
was until I got married; and by then it was too late.

"Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence."

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word
you say, talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.

You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out
with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.

Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what?

First guy: "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to
the opposite sex.

* * * * * * * *

I wish I'd Said That....

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall." ~Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister ... and now wish to withdraw that statement. ~Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible. ~George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea ... visit people only once a year. ~Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. ~Mark Twain

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce. ~Mark Twain

My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects. ~Les Dawson

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. ~Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. ~Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. ~Jimmy Durante

I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. ~Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. ~Alex Levine

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. ~Mark Twain

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. ~Ed Furgol

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. ~Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. ~Henny Youngman

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. ~Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'. ~Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. ~Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. ~Bob Hope

A woman drove me to drink .. and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her. ~W.C. Fields

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. ~W.C. Fields

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. ~George Burns

We could certainly slow aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. ~Unknown

Don't worry about avoiding temptation... As you grow older, it will avoid you. ~Unknown

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But ...everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. ~Unknown

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac. ~Unknown

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good .. spit it out. ~Unknown

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. ~Unknown

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. ~Unknown

* * * * * * * *

A group of frogs were traveling through the woods, and two of them fell into a deep pit. All the other frogs gathered around the pit. When they saw how deep the pit was, they told the unfortunate frogs they would never get out.

The two frogs ignored the comments and tried to jump up out of the pit. The other frogs kept telling them to stop, that they were as good as dead. Finally, one of the frogs took heed to what the other frogs were saying and simply gave up. He fell down and died.

The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could.
Once again, the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and suffering and just die. He jumped even harder and finally made it out.

When he got out, the other frogs asked him, "Why did you continue jumping? Didn't you hear us?" The frog explained to them that he was deaf. He thought they were encouraging him the entire time.

This story teaches two lessons:

1. There is power of life and death in the tongue. An encouraging word to someone who is down can lift them up and help them make it through the day.

2. A destructive word to someone who is down can be what it takes to kill them. Be careful of what you say. Speak life to those who cross your path.

The power of words ... it is sometimes hard to understand that an encouraging word can go such a long way. Anyone can speak words that tend to rob another of the spirit to continue in difficult times.

Special is the individual who will take the time to Encourage another. Be special to others.

* Authors Unknown *

* * * * * *

PRESCRIPTION FOR HAPPINESS

Attributed to Robert Louis Stevenson

Make up your mind to be happy. Learn to find pleasure in simple things.

Make the best of your circumstances. No one has everything and everyone has something of sorrow intermingled with the gladness of life. The trick is to make the laughter outweigh the tears. Don't take yourself too seriously.

You can't please everybody; don't let criticism worry you.

Don't let your neighbor set your standards.

Do the things you enjoy doing, but stay out of debt.

Don't borrow trouble. Imaginary things are harder to bear than the actual ones.

Since hate poisons the soul, do not cherish enmities and grudges.

Don't hold post-mortems. Don't spend your life brooding over sorrows and mistakes. Don't be one who never gets over things.

Do what you can for those less fortunate than yourself.

Keep busy at something. A very busy person never has time to be unhappy.

* * * * * * * * *

Following are not quotes but I think they are interesting and I hope you will like them too. A friend of mine sent these to me in an e-mail so I don't know who they originated from (if you know, please email me with the author's name):

Reasons Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was
time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

* * * * * * * * * * *

When I have Time

When I have time, so many things I'll do
To make life happier and more fair
For those whose lives are crowded now with care;
I'll help to lift them from their low despair,

When I have time.

When I have time, the friend I love so well
Shall know no more these weary, toiling days;
I'll lead her feet in pleasant paths always,
And cheer her heart with words of sweetest praise

When I have time.

When you have time, the friend you hold so dear
May be beyond the reach of all your sweet intent;
May never know that you so kindly meant
To fill her life with sweet content,

When you had time.

Now is the time; ah, friend, no longer wait
To scatter loving smiles and words of cheer
To those around, whose lives are now so drear,
They may not need you in the coming years--

Now is the time.

~Miriam Brown~

* * * * * * * * * * *

It has been said that our anxiety
does not empty tomorrow of
its sorrow,
but only empties today of
its strength.

- Charles Haddon Spurgeon

* * * * * * * * * * *

A healthy attitude is contagious
but don't wait to catch it from others.
Be a carrier.

~ Author Unknown ~

* * * * * * * * * * *

Age is a quality of mind;

If you have left your dreams behind,

If hope is cold,

If you no longer look ahead,

If your ambition's fires are dead,

Then you are old.

But, if from life you take the best,

And if in life you keep the zest,

If love you hold,

No matter how the years go by,

No matter how the birthdays fly,

You are not old.

~ Author Unknown ~

* * * * * * * * * * *

Never mind yesterday, life is today!

Never mind yesterday, lay it away!

Never mind anything over and done,

Here is a new moment, lit with new sun.

~ Author Unknown ~

* * * * * * * * * * *

All life is immortality; all work eternally significant. Every worthwhile man who ever has lived has made plans bigger than his own lifetime.

Bruce Barton

* * * * * * * * * * *

Cheerfulness means a contented spirit; a pure heart, a kind and loving disposition; it means humility and charity, a generous appreciation of others, and a modest opinion of self.

Thackeray

* * * * * * * * * * *

FRIENDS......

If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you." - Winnie the Pooh

"True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost." - Charles Caleb Colton

"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."

"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus.

"Strangers are just friends waiting to happen."

"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."

"If you should die before me, ask if you could bring a friend." -Stone Temple Pilots

"I'll lean on you and you lean on me and we'll be okay." -Dave Mathews Band

"If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them, I'd be at the bottom to catch them."

"Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what

you don't say."

"We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere." - Tim McGraw

Hold a true friend with both your hands." -Nigerian Proverb

"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."

***************

Just for fun....BUMPER STICKERS:

Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.

Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

A PBS mind in an MTV world.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."

Better living through denial.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

I refuse to star in your psychodrama.

Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?

Adults are just kids who owe money.

Is it time for your medication or mine?

I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

Earth is full. Go home.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?

Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is done.

Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.

IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.

HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?

******************

Chocolate Rules

1. If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it
too slowly.
2. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries
all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
3. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
4. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge
off your appetite and you'll eat less.
5. If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.
Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate
to protect themselves.
6. If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is
that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
7. Money talks. Chocolate sings.
8. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look
younger.
9. Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.
10. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today.
That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
11. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of
calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
12. If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer.
But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

******************

Did you know that the electric chair was invented by a dentist?

Did you know you share your birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world?

Nearly 300,000 trees are cut down yearly to produce the paper for all the IRS forms and instructions. (I wonder if Al Gore knows this.)

*****************

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

Never ask a 3-year old to hold a tomato.

You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic-tac.

Never hold a dust-buster and a cat at the same time.

School lunches stick to the wall.

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

******************

Happiness begins when we decide it should.

We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that, we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with.

We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice vacation, when we retire.

The truth is, there's no better time to be happy than right now. If
not now, when? Your life will always be filled with challenges. It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway.

One of my favorite quotes comes from Alfred D. Souza. He said, "For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin-real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, or a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life."

This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to
happiness. Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time...and remember that time waits for no one.

So, stop waiting until you finish school, until you go back to school,
until you lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds, until you have kids, until your kids leave the house, until you start work, until you retire, until you get married, until you get divorced, until Friday night, until Sunday morning, until you get a new car or home, until your car or home is paid off, until spring, until summer, until fall, until winter, until you are off welfare, until the first or fifteenth, until your song comes on, until you've had a drink, until you've sobered up, until you die, until you are born again to decide that there is no better time than right now to be happy.

******************

Judging others does not define that person. It defines YOU!

******************

21 things to Remember:

1. No one can ruin your day without YOUR permission.
2. Most people will be about as happy, as they decide to be.
3. Others can stop you temporarily, but only you can do it permanently.
4. Whatever you are willing to put up with, is exactly what you will have.
5. Success stops when you do.
6. When your ship comes in.... make sure you are willing to unload it.
7. You will never "have it all together."
8. Life is a journey...not a destination. Enjoy the trip!
9. The biggest lie on the planet: "When I get what I want I will be happy."
10. The best way to escape your problem is to solve it.
11. I've learned that ultimately , 'takers' lose and 'givers' win.
12. Life's precious moments don't have value, unless they are shared.
13. If you don't start, it's certain you won't arrive.
14. We often fear the thing we want the most.
15. He or she who laughs......lasts.
16. Yesterday was the deadline for all complaints.
17. Look for opportunities...not guarantees.
18. Life is what's coming....not what was.
19. Success is getting up one more time.
20. Now is the most interesting time of all.
21. When things go wrong.....don't go with them.

******************

ANYWAY

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you
of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends
and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough.
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

Poem by Mother Teresa

******************

Serenity Prayer

GOD, grant me the Serenity
to accept the things
I cannot change,
Courage to change the
things I can,
and the Wisdom
to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardship as the
pathway to peace.
Taking, as He did, this
sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it.
Trusting that He will make
all things right if I
surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy
in this life, and supremely
happy with Him forever in
the next.
Amen

******************

Try reading this out loud without mistakes!

FOR YOUR INFORMATION

This form letter is to inform the misinformed about the formation of a new Forms Forum that is forming. The formal platform of the Forms Forum is to perform reforms for the deformed forms formed by the former Forms Forum. All forms formed before the former Forms Forum formed must now conform to the reformed formula that is to be used for formulating pre-formed forms (However any form not reformed by the forms forum may stay in whatever form it was formed in).

All future forms formed after the formation of the new Forms
Forum must conform to all reformed formulas as well as all
formulas formerly formed by the former Forms Forum.

If this formidable form has left you uninformed, please form a
line at the forms desk to file a form for the former form which was formed to keep you further informed.

Sincerely,
The former foreman of the Forms Forum

******************

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy. "It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil -- he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other is good -- he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith. This same fight is going on inside you -- and inside every other person, too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee replied, simply, "The one you feed."

******************

Dust if you must but wouldn't it be better
To paint a picture or write a letter,
Bake a cake or plant a seed.
Ponder the difference between want and need?

Dust if you must but there's not much time,
With rivers to swim and mountains to climb,
Music to hear and! books to read,
Friends to cherish and life to lead.

Dust if you must but the world's out there
With the sun in your eyes, the wind in your hair,
A flutter of snow, a shower of rain.
This day will not come around again.

Dust if you must but bear in mind,
Old age will come and it's not kind.
And when you go and go you must,
You, yourself, will make more dust.

Remember, a house becomes a home when
you can write "I love you" on the furniture....

******************

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot
more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

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This site originated on December 30, 1999